Catharsis

There is a saying, "Fake it until you make it."  For nearly 7 years, I've been faking it.  Faking that I know what I'm doing.  Faking that I'm not terrified, frustrated, angry, and downright exhausted.  I realized this a month ago when I let go of 7 years of pain, frustration, anger, and fear.  It all came out in sobs.  Heaping and heaping sobs. 

Gary isn't a therapist, but he plays one in my life.  I let it out - for about 2 hours (he's a patient man).  It was cathartic and long overdue.  Diabetes has changed who I am, and I don't like it.  I miss the old Susan.  She was laid back and relaxed.  And she slept really well. 

On the night of my catharsis, Gary confessed that he cried every night for a year after Chase was diagnosed.  I never knew that.  That made me cry all the more.  We've both had to be strong in front of Chase and strong for each other since diabetes moved in.

I've heard diabetes referred to as an unwanted house guest.  You have to cater to its needs and take care of it, all while trying to carve out a normal life.  You take it with on vacation when you'd rather leave it at home.  You deal with its needs while you try to calm a colicky baby.  You feed it when you are trying to feed your family.  You give it attention when it is screaming at you, when all the while, you'd rather ignore it and read Pinkalicious! for the 1000th time to your daughter.  It's there and quiet frankly, it's the house guest from hell.

My anger with this disease lately is that it is wearing on my child.  I've seen a change in his personality.  He, too, was once laid back and relaxed.  And happy.  Lately, he's been angry, moody, and quiet.  After a few sessions with his school counselor, I'm starting to see some improvement in his mood.  He confessed that he hates having diabetes and being different from the other kids.  His catharsis seems to have helped him.  He is starting to come back to me.

Throughout my life, I've never heard what I wanted to hear.  It's always been what I needed to hear.  That was present yesterday in church when Pastor Dale told us that we need to "Adapt to the Present".  Those words came at the right time.  It is something I need to teach my child and myself.  Together, we will bend, but we will not break.