I wonder if I will ever be able to look at this picture and not feel guilt? Will I see it as Chase's 2nd birthday or will I always see it as 3 days before our world fell out from beneath us? Will I still want to travel back in time and shake myself into seeing what was happening to my son? Will the guilt ever go away?
It's there. All the time. For so many reasons:
1. We didn't recognize the symptoms & as a result, Chase was hospitalized for 4 days.
2. Genetics.
3. I'm envious of parents that can let their kids eat anything. I despise envy.
4. When it's just me and Leah, I let her eat whatever she wants. We don't tell Chase.
5. I feel a need to write to get my feelings out. I should be playing with my kids right now.
6. We could be better at managing his diabetes if we tried harder. Did more research. Had more money.
7. I want to scream at people who still confuse type 1 and type 2. Literally scream.
8. I know we are fortunate it's only diabetes. When I see Mathew's mom in church without her one and only son who she lost to cancer, I know. I know.
9. Chase gets special attention. Special treatment. Leah doesn't.
10. I don't do enough to raise money for a cure.
There is some good to my guilt. I've learned a lot these past years, and as a result, I can say, guilt free:
1. I do not take my children's health for granted.
2. We try to live in the here and now & enjoy our time together.
3. We do what we can, when we can, to bring awareness.
4. Eating healthy is a priority.
5. Exercising is a priority.
The major reason I write this blog is to remind everyone not to take a single moment for granted. I don't want any one's pity. I don't want any one's sympathy. I want your empathy.
I want you to hug your children more than they'd like. I want you to tell them that you love them every chance you get. It's not a cure for diabetes. It's not a cure for guilt, but if I can get at least one person to hug their kid tonight & thank God they are healthy, I will take one less guilt trip.
2 comments:
Susan, you are an amazing mother and an amazing person. It breaks my heart to hear you feel guilt because you have nothing to feel guilty about. We have all been there. I'm an eye doctor and my son may never have vision good enough to be legal to drive. Had I caught his condition sooner would it have made a difference? Maybe. But then I remember, as you do, how lucky we are that his condition is manageable, how he is doing well in school, how he is otherwise healthy, & how blessed we are. Hindsight really is 20/20 (trust me, I'm an eye doctor), and guilt does nothing but eat away at us and cause us to miss the wonderful blessings our babies give us everyday, big and small. Guilt is a distraction and it doesn't deserve any power over us, not the time, not the room in our minds and hearts, nothing. Guilt is a wasted emotion. I do empathize with you. And they will find a cure. But in the meantime, give yourself a break. No one else is judging you and you shouldn't either. You are lucky to have those beautiful babies, but they are lucky to have you too.
Angie
Great, now I have guilt about having guilt. Thanks, Angie. You've always had my back and I can't thank you enough for being my friend.
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